The first Martian
Why do we celebrate firsts?
Humanity admires trailblazers, and rightly so. The first person to accomplish a thing—cross an ocean, fly an airplane, solve a math problem, run a 4-minute mile—managed to do something that nobody else was able to do until that moment.
But why do we (or at least some of us) insist on celebrating the first type of human to accomplish a thing? Without getting too deep into the specifics, why do we celebrate the first <category> to become a <position>? Is the category qualifier significant? Does it make the accomplishment more noteworthy than when the first human being did it? Does it “reset the counter” so that we can claim to achieve something that, in reality, has already been achieved—thus supporting a perception of continued progress as a society? And if the latter, does it mean that we have stagnated as a society, and have stopped reaching new milestones—so we have to pretend to re-achieve the same old thing, over and over?
Let’s consider a hypothetical individual, Marvin. Marvin is a Martian; he1 is from Mars, making him a total outsider in Earth society. Nevertheless, he is determined to make it in an Earthling’s world!
Marvin has scored his first big success—he just got a job offer. Apparently, the horsehair crest on his galea is great at sweeping up large messes. He is now going to be Earth’s very first Martian janitor!
All twelve2 of Marvin’s spouses are going to throw him a big party (with a little something extra that night in their 13-wide bed)! All of his Martian friends are super excited, and more than a little envious! And all the major Earth newspapers are joyfully celebrating the day that a Martian has FINALLY made it as a janitor.
So… let’s take a closer look at the logic of that celebration.
Marvin is the very first Martian in history to be selected as a janitor—truly, an important and highly respected profession on Earth. But why was he the very first one, and what are we really celebrating? Let’s list off the possibilities.
POSSIBILITY 1: All previous Martians have failed to meet standards.
When interviewing for janitor jobs, they failed to perform to the minimum acceptable standard in the relevant skill areas. Marvin, on the other hand, successfully completed both the academics and the hands-on portions of the assessment. He aced the interview and rocked the swimsuit competition. In short, he was undeniable—and so, he was hired.
QUESTION: Is this really something that we should be celebrating? What we’re saying, in effect, is “congratulations, Marvin, for being the first Martian who doesn’t suck!” What does that say about all other Martians? It would seem that the decent thing to do would be to let it pass without much notice; otherwise, all you’re really doing is calling attention to the fact that all other Martians prior to Marvin have not been good enough.
POSSIBILITY 2: The people doing the hiring have changed.
All previous hiring managers have been staunch anti-Martian speciesists3, but they have been replaced by managers who are not prejudiced against the Red Planet. Marvin, in fact, is the first Martian to have gotten a fair shot when applying for an Earth job! None of the previous Martians ever had a chance, because nobody was really going to hire them, anyway.
QUESTION: What’s the real story here? It could be that all of the previous hiring managers have been unfairly prejudiced against Martians. Or it could be that Acme Janitorial Services was previously unaware of this, but has now cleaned up its HR department and has put the right people in charge of hiring. Either of those is a valid story. What is not a valid story, however, is Marvin himself. He’s just a regular dude who got hired for a job; nothing special about him or the hiring.
POSSIBILITY 3: The standards have changed.
This doesn’t necessarily mean “lowered” (although it certainly could). A changed standard might only mean that something that was previously demanded by the hiring manager, but had nothing to do with the applicant’s ability to perform the job, is no longer being required.
For example: all previous Martians applying for Earth jobs were required to be at least 5 feet tall, and the tallest known Martian so far only reached 4-foot-7. However, some smart person finally realized that one’s height has very little to do with one’s ability to sweep a floor. Changing the standard allowed Martians to be considered—and sure enough, Marvin made the grade.
QUESTION: Again, what’s the real story here? The thing that actually happened is that the hiring standard was changed. Marvin didn’t rapidly grow taller to meet the old standard—that would be news indeed, and it would rightfully be focused on Marvin himself—but rather, the standard was changed to accommodate his (and other Martians’) short stature. So by focusing on Marvin, we miss the point about what really made the difference.
No matter how you approach it, being the first Martian to be hired as an Earth janitor is not, in itself, an achievement or a story. The story is, at best, that hiring standards have become more fair. At worst, the story is that all other Martians to date have sucked at sweeping floors, and one has finally come along who doesn’t suck quite as much.
So let’s stop celebrating the first <category> to be a <position>. It adds nothing to the conversation, it distracts us from the reality of what actually happened, and it very well might be insulting to all the other <category> who didn’t quite cut it in the past. In fact, in distracting us from the real story of what happened and what changed to make it possible, celebrating categories prevents us from seeing where real change is needed—unfair and/or unnecessary standards. By focusing on the category, we are making it less likely that we will recognize (and deal with) true injustices.
Instead, maybe we should consider highlighting the last <category> to hold a <position>!
Just imagine the feeling of being the last one of your group ever selected for something. You did such a bad job that they decided never to pick another one like you again!
It makes me think of poor Ross from “Friends”, whose wife left him for another woman. She never came out4 and said it, but you know he had to be thinking it: “you were such a bad husband that I am done with men forever; I’m just going to stick to women from now on”.
Like… the last white player to be the top overall pick in the NBA draft.
According to the NBA’s records, that would be Blake Griffin in 2009.
Not so fast! BET has picked him in the Racial Draft under the “one drop”5 rule. So let’s keep looking.
Next one would be Andrea Bargnani, 2006.
OK, so we’ve gone 17 years without a white player at the top of the NBA incoming class. Clearly, something happened with the last one… right?
Maybe it was that continental smirk. Maybe it was because he has a girl’s name. Maybe it was the fact that he isn’t even American. But regardless, something about Andrea Bargnani made all the NBA franchises agree never to select another white dude as their top draft pick.
Or maybe—just maybe—it’s because NBA teams make their draft picks based on a player’s past record and future potential. Maybe it is skill, not skin, that matters. And maybe next year, it will be a white dude—or a Korean, or an Arab—who gets picked. And if we focus on his skin tone, and celebrate the fact that we “finally” have a white guy at the top of the draft (or a Pacific Islander, or a Native American, or whoever)—not only will we be insulting everyone else of that race/ethnicity, but we will be missing the point completely.
I refer to Marvin as a “he” because “he” uses a “male” name, but in reality I’m not even really sure that human gender terminology applies to Martians. I haven’t studied their reproductive cycle. I’ll stick with this convention for simplicity, with the caveat that—for all I know—Martians may have thirteen different genders and the concept of male/female duality is far too simplistic to describe their complex society and inter-gender dynamics.
I’m just going to go with thirteen Martian genders.
Should I be surprised that spellcheck knows this word?
Rimshot!
Although… if the “one-drop rule” is valid, and all humans came from Africa, doesn’t that mean that we are ALL black?